@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

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@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

@donni

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@BoucheDag2k

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.