Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.