That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.


Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.


Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]


My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.