My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”