That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*