That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The asteroid..
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.