bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
#SCOTUS one-star review
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter