An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
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I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
This is how I win fights too