[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
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‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what