@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

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@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@iRowlf

I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.

@dlicj

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@delusions_of

“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.