Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning y’all ☀️

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.