That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Bike for sale
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
somebody come look at this
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile