Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*