That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?