That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.