That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
can’t believe I got front row seats
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
(Electricians.)
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase