That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.