@lmegordon

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

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@JimmerThatisAll

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@MaraWilson

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@SamGrittner

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@Snarfernini

He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad

@_steamy_mac

Me: I think I’m having a heart attack.
Her: Fingers crossed!