That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Stick it to the man
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry