My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.