@jazmasta

That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

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@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@WilliamAder

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

@PaperWash

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.