@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

You Might Also Like

@clindsaysway

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

@YuckyTom

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

@solikebasically

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@mom_ontherocks

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

@envydatropic

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

@Gupton68

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you