Every family has that one kid.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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An issue that will unite all Americans
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you