That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
IT’S-A ME,
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car