@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

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@mattgallo123

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

@GoldenSpirals

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@MyHairyLife

I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat…

I will not eat a third donut.
I will not eat a third donut.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

@CArmanthegirl

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

@AndyAsAdjective

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@iscoff

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

@Dawn_M_

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@GodfreyElfwick

Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.