That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Generation gap…
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh