That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these