That lamp looks PISSED.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
guys I’m going home
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.