I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.