her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving
And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.