That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

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I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.


Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes


GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude


Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.


I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.


When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.


I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.

I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.


GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo