@juliussharpe

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

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@ClichedOut

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@ddsmidt

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@lgbk44

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

@mommameetsworld

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@purplefuzzygirl

Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving

And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
Apparently.

@slimerobots

woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.