I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.
I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.
I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.
Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo