date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?