Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
This kid is going places
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
is this a threat
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.