me: *sneaks into the house*
wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent
me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger
that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.