Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.