“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Baking is just science you can eat.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure