@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

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@eborg01

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

@Sassafrantz

Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

@tiemoose

gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy

her friend: what that sounds completely normal

[earlier, in bed]

me: i invented the colour blue

@LoveNLunchmeat

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

@murrman5

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

@batkaren

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.