16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
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My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction
Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?
*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*
Interviewer: you’re just what we need
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.