That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can


Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.


Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped


[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*


“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning


gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy

her friend: what that sounds completely normal

[earlier, in bed]

me: i invented the colour blue


Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon


Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?


My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.


The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.