my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Had an epiphany today.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.