@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

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@TheHyyyype

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

@EyeSeeYou619

Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.

@Tmoney68

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@MarfSalvador

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

@AshToTheFuture

Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction

@burnie

Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need

@mrjohndarby

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.