That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
If snakes were wide
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
very niche meme I made
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.