That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

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Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.


I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”


Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.


December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.


Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.


“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.


I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed


If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.


Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars


I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.