If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
saving face 👀
a lot to unpack here
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.