that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

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You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.


JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child



God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers


Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room


Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.


Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.


*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house