Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own
ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN