That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another