That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.