Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…