That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”

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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha


CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh



Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf


As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…


LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel


Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”


Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?


Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.


Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.


You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.