That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”

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Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die


[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store


I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.


I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.


The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.


BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?


The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.


1-buy waterbed

2-fill with wine

3-get Capri Sun straw

4-never leave your bed again


{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.