cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
body in my trunk: haha
That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.