@PariCalvia

That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”

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@SuperTeeWhy

Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

@squirrel74wkgn

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

@shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@HousewifeOfHell

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

@McNevich

1-buy waterbed

2-fill with wine

3-get Capri Sun straw

4-never leave your bed again

@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.