@_ISpeakTrue

That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@sophielou

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

@Megatronic13

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

@carlyken

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted