@_ISpeakTrue: That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
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@drankturpentine: I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward
@Mr_Kapowski: Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
@Swishergirl24: I like to drink while I clean and that's how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
@Vodkantots: How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone: 1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle 2. Break bottle over person's head