I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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