The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
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How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Or as I like to call it:
“White people playing homeless.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?