Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted