@_ISpeakTrue

That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass

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@o__0Dev

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from

@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

@Writepop

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@HeyZeus666

Freudian Slip.

What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.

@pant_leg

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

@WeekendTwitr

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