For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point