*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.
No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.