That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”


“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]


An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.


No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.


Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen


Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.