Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.