That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: