Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?