This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
You Might Also Like
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I had to Stop for this
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Expect the unexporcupine.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch