That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings