That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch