@SkinnerSteven

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

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@RealLucasNeff

[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@BoogTweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

@ClichedOut

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?