That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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Beware of fowl play.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”