I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My wife gives the best headache.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
giddy up Office Depot
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.