That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.