That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.