Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’m not stressed
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot