That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig