That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.