That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”