That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
WWE is French for “yes”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
That’s easy for you to say
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
the three branches of government