@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

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@AdamTheLobster

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

@Real_Dick_Head

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

@dshack8

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

@TonyFratto

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

@ibid78

“You know what, that’s some ?..”
“Calm down you’re being irrational right now.”