That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.