my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When news reporters do sports stories
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh