That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Your honor these allegations are